Those incessant small talk questions echo in my ears, reverberate through my mind and aggravate my already pounding head. I take pity on her… My mother- it’s sad how she must fill every silence with pointless questions that make no difference whatsoever to our lives. Sure, her feigning interest in my life feeds her delusions of her being a good parent, but that’s all it is- a delusion. Something she’s conjured up to make herself feel better about the way that she ignores me when it really matters. I sometimes joke, telling her that no, I’m not alright that I feel shit about myself and she just smiles it off. It’s as if she can’t bear the thought of having a child that takes after her… that might possibly have the same mental illness that plagues her on a daily basis.
My mother suffers from depression.
I’m kind of afraid that I’m heading down the same road to destruction. It sounds so melodramatic when I put it like that, but when you’ve seen your own mother in fits of despair, drowning in her own tears and even getting violent, you’d understand that it’s more accurate than it might seem. She drove dad away… that… that wasn’t exactly the best year I’ve had. Heh, compared to the ones that followed, I’m pretty sure you could call it the best one. They’ve just seemed to get worse and all because of her. The woman that I’m forced to call ‘my mama’, just so she doesn’t know how much we’ve grown apart. It’s the best thing for her, or so I’ve been told. I don’t believe it though. I want to tell her, scream it at her, force her back to reality, but I can’t.
My dad tried that once and all it did was push her further and further away from him, she stopped eating, stopped talking, and refused to get out of bed no matter how I begged. That was the last time I saw him. He was there at the beginning of the week and gone by the end. Of course he said his goodbyes and his apologies; he even tried to explain it to me. Back then I didn’t understand, now… Now I do and if I could leave her, I would. I gladly, gladly would, but who could guarantee she’d be there when I got home. No-one and that was the scariest part. If I left her, there would be no-one to stop her from just up and leaving. She threatened it all the time and the most foolish thing is… I believed it. All those times she stopped me from leaving by saying she wouldn’t be here if I tried to come back… I believed her, but it was a lie. Everything she says is a lie, even when she tells me she loves me, I don’t think she means it. She’s in love with the idea of, but me exactly. She doesn’t even know who I am anymore, but that’s her fault- her problem.
Sometimes I just sit and stare up at the ceiling and wish I had the mother I remember back, but… That won’t happen. It didn’t happen and it’s too late now. You can renovate the old, cover up the cracks and add a little support, but it’s still the same, just a little nicer to look at. That’s what my mother is… Nice. She’s nice to look at, nice in theory and certainly nice to the outside world. The thing is, once you’ve looked a little closer you see the ugliness that lies beneath the surface, but her facade runs deep. She simply doesn’t let anyone scratch the surface anymore. She doesn’t let anyone in and that’s how she gets up every morning, she pretends to be a ‘normal’ person… Now do you see why I pity her?
Bullet For My Valentine - Curses
This would have to be one of my favourites by Bullet.
Has no one told you? Your cries are all in vainAnd everyone keeps trying to take that all awayHas no one told you? Your cries are all in vainYour cries.
✼ 20 Day Celebrity Photo Challenge - Day 1 - Favorite Band/Artist(Part I) Bullet For My Valentine